Monday, March 19, 2007

Monday, sucky Monday

Typically Monday has been a shit day in history all around. Lots of bad things happened on a Monday. If you work in a call center this is even worse, for some odd reason on Mondays people decide to eschew the things the should be doing like work, chores, and whatever the hell else people do on a Monday, just to call in for an old' fashioned phone-fucking. There must have been some man of great ignorance somewhere who decided that every Monday should be designated as the "Call in and fuck with customer service" day.


And they call in with their idiot legions complaing about pointless things that are usually their fault to begin with.



Me: Thank you for calling ____________.

Moron: I was charged wrong on this invoice. (I swear to god this guy grunts after saying this like he took a really hard dump.)

Me: Ok sir. What seems to be the problem?

Moron: Well they charged me 59.00 on this invoice.

Me: Well sir I see here that was the exact cost of your delivery.

Moron. It's not right.

Me: *I explain each freaking individual charge thus proving this bill is right.*

Moron: It's not right!!

Me: Sir could you explain why it is wrong?


Me: You are totally right sir there was a mistake I am sorry.

Moron: Really?

Me: Yes I am terribly sorry we serviced you to begin with.

Moron: WHAT!?!?

Me: Yeah man, the clerk at the counter was supposed to take your money and punch you in the mouth. Don't worry he will be fired we can't tolerate dickweeds who can't be a man and fuck a customer in the ass like they should.

Moron: Oh I get it now you think you are real funny don't you? You won't be laughing once I talk to your supervisor, by the time I am done the only employment you are going to have is fast food. GET ME A MANAGER!!

Me: Sir, I would be more than happy to accommodate your request but before I do I leave you with this. Should your aim truly be to condemn me to fast food work for the remainder of my existence, that leaves the possibility that one day I might end up making YOUR food. I will have 2 words that will haunt you each time you eat..dick burger.

*customer hangs up*

Guess he didn't want me fired after all. Damn I am good.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Quit being stupid and I’ll quit being an ass.

You know sometimes I honestly wonder how people that call in get so damn retarded. I used to believe that maybe just maybe I was overreacting. I now know this is not the case.


10:47 (Call)

Me: Thanks for calling _______(No I don't feel like outing myself today, nice try though.) How may I help you?

Idiot: Yeah someone in one of your vehicles almost hit me! He is driving like a maniac!

Me:OMG Are you alright?

Idiot: Yes I am fine but you have to get this delivery driver off the road!

Me: I understand this guy drives for us for deliveries but sir have you called the local police to get him off the road yet?

Idiot: No, YOU need to get him off the road.

Me: Sir there is no way I can get that man off the road, I am all the way in Michigan. It is imperative that you call the police so that he doesn't cause an accident and harm someone.


Me: Oh I don't know maybe use sirens and pull him off the road. But maybe you are right we wouldn't want one of our delivery drivers getting a DUI. Perhaps the police can just ram him off the road, NO NO! we are wasting precious time, SIR IT IS UP TO YOU! YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM OUT NOW!!

Idiot: Listen you fuckbag! I am not in the mood for sarcasm I want to talk you your manager.

Me: Oh ok sure let me get you one.*Hangs up on customer*

I mean seriously get real here. You see a vehicle and it is driving dangerously, do you

A) Call the police to get the hazardous driver off the road.

B) Waste precious time calling the driver's company and arguing with the guy on the phone trying to get him to stop the driver.

C) Pull over to the side of the road and begin eating Fritos and masturbating while doing B)

I honestly think that most people choose C or B. Fuckin bitches.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Phone Etiquette for Morons

Hi my name is Pollux Strike, I work for a call center. I created this blog as a way to express my feelings about you the customer. First there is an unsung group of heroes that fight a never ending war against stupidity. They work in call centers around the country for several corporations. They answer phones only to be yelled at by you ignorant scumbags day in and day out just for a paycheck to survive. Most of them can't stand doing it but they do it because they have to. We suffer through the most ignorant dickweeds this country has to offer. I hope this BLOG will shed some light as to what we have to put up with on a daily basis and maybe you will decide to be more courteous when you call somewhere, probably not but here's to hoping.


This seemingly little known act stipulates that when you call ANY business regarding things such as an account or a contract that we can NOT talk to you about it if your name is not on the contract or we have been given authorization to talk to you by said individual. I can not count how many calls I get a day from some overly self-important douche bag that thinks they are special enough for me to risk federal prosecution just because you are calling in for your husband/wife/dog/neighbor/uncle/sister-dad. FUCK OFF, you pretentious shithead, and for the love of god DON'T ask for a manager on this. And here is why I am going let you in on a little secret to save you and me some time, THE MANAGER WILL TELL YOU THE EXACT SAME THING YOU BRAINDEAD ASSCLOWN!!! Oh and while we are at it let's talk about threatening me over this crap and what happens.

When I tell you I can't talk to you don't threaten me because it accomplishes the following things.

  1. Pisses me off
  2. Shows you listen about as well as a deaf guy at a Slayer concert
  3. Demonstrates that your pecker size is so small that you have to compensate by faking being hardcore with physical or legal threats to a complete stranger on the phone.

Physical threats just don't do it please. The reason why is that on every call center's phone system they have this little button that we can hit and it begins to record the call and logs where you are calling from so that way we can submit it to authorities as evidence in legal cases against you should you be dumb enough to try to walk into court with us. Here I will give you an example of a possible phone-fucking you can get by being a retarded asshole. I once worked for a collections dept of a company back around right after 9/11 and one lady was calling in complaining about a bill, turns out she was wrong and owed the money, but NOOO she had to get all badass on us thinking we were going to change our minds. Whoo threaten me over the phone please ma'mm RECORD BUTTON ACTIVATE! So the call is recording, now remember this was JUST after 9/11, the customer ended the call with this exact phrase "And you better watch out next time you open one of my payments in the mail, you just might find some white powder inside!" I submitted the call to my manager and he then submitted it to the FBI and she got a visit by some gentlemen with suits, badges, and some very provocative questions the next day. With that being said please just don't threaten us for following the privacy act or at all for that matter.


Ok, you are calling in to a call center meaning that you are going to be on the phone, that also meaning you will need to pay attention to conversate with the person helping you right? Wrong you people call in and don't pay attention to shit, guess you are all too busy whacking off and eating Fritos at the same time to pay attention to the person on the phone helping you with a bill during the middle of your masturbation ritual. Pay attention and I won't have to do the following things.

>Ask for your reference number 17 times.

>Having you yell at me because you weren't paying attention and thought I said something you didn't want to hear.(99% of the time it's the word "No")

>Spend 15 minutes explaining a complex bill only to have you say at the end "I don't understand."

>Hanging up on you (My personal favorite)

>Hitting the mute button and swearing at you.

>Silently praying you have an aneurism

When you call in and don't listen and we have to repeat something 40 times it fucks us up bad here is why. Most companies you call have a strict requirement on their employees on how long we are ALLOWED to talk to you. You call in and don't pay attention and then drag out the call and end up bringing me one step closer to getting fired. So for my job security PLEASE LISTEN.


Here is a surefire way to get yourself treated like an ignorant child on the phone by any Customer Service rep you talk to, name-calling. Why is it when I inform a customer of the word no in conjunction to their situation they assume calling me derogatory terms or insulting my education is going to make me change iron-clad company policy? You ignorant punk-ass motherfucking assjackers how can you honestly call yourselves intelligent? See what I did there? I just imitated what a lot of you sound like to us when you do that, doesn't sound very intelligent does it? Oh and before one of you gets an idea to go "LOL hey you were calling names in your BLOG", remember I am using them as a vehicle to make my BLOG more comicaly edgy,not using name-calling as some sort of trump card in a arbitration. A wise man once told me this

" He who resorts to name calling has ran out of valid points to make "(Btw ty for that Jeal)

Just because you didn't get your way like a spoiled child don't throw a tantrum and start calling names expecting it to work.


I don't know about the rest of you but when I call somewhere needing info, or making a purchase, or paying an account I ALWAYS have the following ready.




>Account info if necessary

When you call a call center, it doesn't matter which, we do not have some magical little gnome at our desk that shoots all your customer info out its ass for us when you call. If you want US to help YOU with YOUR problem then bring YOUR info. I don't know how many people call in for shit and I ask for an account/reference number and they say "I don't have it" Next person that does that I am hanging up on I don't care if the call is monitored or not.


Let's see anything else I might have left out?

>Don't lie to us on the phone, we research EVERYTHING. You will just get caught then get no help at all.

>Oh and when we do catch you in a lie just own up to it don't try to lie to get out of it again.

>Read EVERY contract you sign, if you do that then you can avoid calling me and getting made fun of in my BLOG.

Let it be known I am NOT a misanthrope, I do NOT hate EVERY customer. I just realize that it's the stupid fucktards that call in and tie up the phone line for legitimate people who have needs to be handled that were no fault of their own. It is those people that are one of the reasons I don't walk out on my job…

……and as for the rest of you ignorant sods, I hope you take these hints to heart and quit holding up progress so I can talk to folks who actually need help.