Friday, March 16, 2007

Phone Etiquette for Morons

Hi my name is Pollux Strike, I work for a call center. I created this blog as a way to express my feelings about you the customer. First there is an unsung group of heroes that fight a never ending war against stupidity. They work in call centers around the country for several corporations. They answer phones only to be yelled at by you ignorant scumbags day in and day out just for a paycheck to survive. Most of them can't stand doing it but they do it because they have to. We suffer through the most ignorant dickweeds this country has to offer. I hope this BLOG will shed some light as to what we have to put up with on a daily basis and maybe you will decide to be more courteous when you call somewhere, probably not but here's to hoping.


RULE ONE:THE FEDERAL PRIVACY ACT

This seemingly little known act stipulates that when you call ANY business regarding things such as an account or a contract that we can NOT talk to you about it if your name is not on the contract or we have been given authorization to talk to you by said individual. I can not count how many calls I get a day from some overly self-important douche bag that thinks they are special enough for me to risk federal prosecution just because you are calling in for your husband/wife/dog/neighbor/uncle/sister-dad. FUCK OFF, you pretentious shithead, and for the love of god DON'T ask for a manager on this. And here is why I am going let you in on a little secret to save you and me some time, THE MANAGER WILL TELL YOU THE EXACT SAME THING YOU BRAINDEAD ASSCLOWN!!! Oh and while we are at it let's talk about threatening me over this crap and what happens.

When I tell you I can't talk to you don't threaten me because it accomplishes the following things.

  1. Pisses me off
  2. Shows you listen about as well as a deaf guy at a Slayer concert
  3. Demonstrates that your pecker size is so small that you have to compensate by faking being hardcore with physical or legal threats to a complete stranger on the phone.


Physical threats just don't do it please. The reason why is that on every call center's phone system they have this little button that we can hit and it begins to record the call and logs where you are calling from so that way we can submit it to authorities as evidence in legal cases against you should you be dumb enough to try to walk into court with us. Here I will give you an example of a possible phone-fucking you can get by being a retarded asshole. I once worked for a collections dept of a company back around right after 9/11 and one lady was calling in complaining about a bill, turns out she was wrong and owed the money, but NOOO she had to get all badass on us thinking we were going to change our minds. Whoo threaten me over the phone please ma'mm RECORD BUTTON ACTIVATE! So the call is recording, now remember this was JUST after 9/11, the customer ended the call with this exact phrase "And you better watch out next time you open one of my payments in the mail, you just might find some white powder inside!" I submitted the call to my manager and he then submitted it to the FBI and she got a visit by some gentlemen with suits, badges, and some very provocative questions the next day. With that being said please just don't threaten us for following the privacy act or at all for that matter.



RULE TWO: PAY ATTENTION

Ok, you are calling in to a call center meaning that you are going to be on the phone, that also meaning you will need to pay attention to conversate with the person helping you right? Wrong you people call in and don't pay attention to shit, guess you are all too busy whacking off and eating Fritos at the same time to pay attention to the person on the phone helping you with a bill during the middle of your masturbation ritual. Pay attention and I won't have to do the following things.

>Ask for your reference number 17 times.

>Having you yell at me because you weren't paying attention and thought I said something you didn't want to hear.(99% of the time it's the word "No")

>Spend 15 minutes explaining a complex bill only to have you say at the end "I don't understand."

>Hanging up on you (My personal favorite)

>Hitting the mute button and swearing at you.

>Silently praying you have an aneurism

When you call in and don't listen and we have to repeat something 40 times it fucks us up bad here is why. Most companies you call have a strict requirement on their employees on how long we are ALLOWED to talk to you. You call in and don't pay attention and then drag out the call and end up bringing me one step closer to getting fired. So for my job security PLEASE LISTEN.



RULE THREE: NAMECALLING AND INSULTS


Here is a surefire way to get yourself treated like an ignorant child on the phone by any Customer Service rep you talk to, name-calling. Why is it when I inform a customer of the word no in conjunction to their situation they assume calling me derogatory terms or insulting my education is going to make me change iron-clad company policy? You ignorant punk-ass motherfucking assjackers how can you honestly call yourselves intelligent? See what I did there? I just imitated what a lot of you sound like to us when you do that, doesn't sound very intelligent does it? Oh and before one of you gets an idea to go "LOL hey you were calling names in your BLOG", remember I am using them as a vehicle to make my BLOG more comicaly edgy,not using name-calling as some sort of trump card in a arbitration. A wise man once told me this

" He who resorts to name calling has ran out of valid points to make "(Btw ty for that Jeal)

Just because you didn't get your way like a spoiled child don't throw a tantrum and start calling names expecting it to work.



RULE FOUR: CALL IN PREPARED

I don't know about the rest of you but when I call somewhere needing info, or making a purchase, or paying an account I ALWAYS have the following ready.

>Pen

>Paper

>Bill

>Account info if necessary


When you call a call center, it doesn't matter which, we do not have some magical little gnome at our desk that shoots all your customer info out its ass for us when you call. If you want US to help YOU with YOUR problem then bring YOUR info. I don't know how many people call in for shit and I ask for an account/reference number and they say "I don't have it" Next person that does that I am hanging up on I don't care if the call is monitored or not.


MISCELANEOUS

Let's see anything else I might have left out?

>Don't lie to us on the phone, we research EVERYTHING. You will just get caught then get no help at all.

>Oh and when we do catch you in a lie just own up to it don't try to lie to get out of it again.

>Read EVERY contract you sign, if you do that then you can avoid calling me and getting made fun of in my BLOG.


Let it be known I am NOT a misanthrope, I do NOT hate EVERY customer. I just realize that it's the stupid fucktards that call in and tie up the phone line for legitimate people who have needs to be handled that were no fault of their own. It is those people that are one of the reasons I don't walk out on my job…

……and as for the rest of you ignorant sods, I hope you take these hints to heart and quit holding up progress so I can talk to folks who actually need help.

1 comment:

Wheatpenny said...

Damn man lol and I thought I had it rough.