Friday, November 23, 2007
The following is a simple multiple choice test , chose an idiot answer and you get idiot point(s) based on the severity of your ignorance, the score at the end will be based on how many idiot points you DON'T have in other words score low. If you didn't understand these rules I just mentioned you just earned 1 point.
1. You arrive at the drop off dealer for your rental, the dealer is closed. What do you do.
A) Park the truck on his lot and lock the key inside the truck
B) Call Customer Service and ask what to do.
C) Take it to a different company's dealer since they are all the same.
D) Park the truck on the dealer's lot, lock it, find a key drop box and place the key inside.
2. You are picking up your truck, the dealer hands you a contract and urges that you read it before signing. What do you do?
A) Read the contract completely thus gaining the knowledge of what you can or can not do.
B) Not read the contract and take the truck.
C) Eat the contract.
D) You are a lawyer you never have to read contracts.
3. You are in your personal vehicle driving to work, a moving truck swerves in front of you driving hazardously. What do you do?
A) Get on the phone and call the company that owns the truck, because they can send Superman out to stop this villain.
B) Call local law enforcement.
C) Use Vigilante Justice and ram him off the road thus saving other traveler's lives.
D) Get on the phone and call the company that owns the truck, full well knowing they can not get the driver off the road.
4. You are on the phone with a customer service rep, you have gone over on miles on your rental.The representative has explained and proven with evidence that you have. What do you do?
A) Lie and say took a 20 mile trip when you know you drove the truck to Las Vegas.
B) Accept the fact that you went over on miles and move on with conversation
C) Say you are a Preacher and that you didn't use those miles.
D) Say you are just going to call and get someone else.
5. You have brought back your truck late. The customer service rep has advised you there are late fees and has also proven this. What do you do?
A) Accept the fact and move on.
B) Lie and say you brought it back on the day before you even picked it up.
C) Admit it then ask us to cut the late fee in half.
D) Call us racist and demand a manager.
Answers and points.
1 A) 5
2 A) 0
3. A) 25
* The reason that answer "D" has more of an idiot rating than "A"
on question 3 is simple. If you are dumb enough not to know better that we don't employ Superman that makes you less dumb than the person calling who knows we can't do anything but calls us anyway, also answer "C" actually takes away idiot points because taking the law into your own hands like a vigilante is always cool.*
4. A) 25
*On question 4 the answer "C" is more idiotic because it is really freaking stupid to lie in the first place let alone drag God in on the lie.*
5. A) 0
0-10 Congratulations, you have common sense and are able to wield it proudly. Good Job, Ever thought of working in customer service?
11-60 : I have to break it to you but you are an idiot, face the facts and move on at least God is more likely to have pity on you.
60+ : There are special places in hell for lame dipsh**ts like you, you probably can't do the following
Tie your shoes
Count to 7
Tell hot from cold
Spell your own name
Write your own name
Remember your own name
Read this sentence, for that matter how did you take this test?
"Yes sir I am handing out free coupons for a punch to the face."
I have a feeling though that there is some special moron somewhere that will call in today that will go against the grain and call us anyway.
Damn I hate being right.
Me: Thank you for calling ______ Customer Service. How may I help you?
(Note for the remainder of this call the random A-Hole will be affectionately referred to as "Grinch")
Grinch: WHAT THE HELL MAN WHERE IS MY TRUCK?!?!
Me: I am sorry your truck is not on time sir let me get our inventory manager to help us.
Grinch: LOOK HERE JERKOFF I HAVE 47 TV I HAVE JUST BOUGHT AND I NEED TO GET THEM HOME!!
Me: Wow 47 T.V. sir, you must be a generous soul, I am sure your family members are gonna be real happy this year.
Grinch: MAN SCREW MY FAMILY THESE ARE FOR ME?!?!
(Ok now note this guy has been yelling since he has called,and he is complaining about his truck being late so he can get 47 T.V that he isn't giving to anyone else, WTF?!?)
Me: *Laughing* Wow man what the hell you gonna stack them all together to get a bigger picture, couldn't have you just bought a big screen?
Me: Yeah you heard me Cinnemark, I just knocked on you about your ghetto theater.
Grinch: YOU ARE A DEADMAN??!?!
Me: What you gonna do Mr. Grinch come on down here to Whoville and steal our Christmas? (at this point I hit the record button we use to have evidence on threatening customers)
Grinch: THAT'S RIGHT I AM COMING DOWN THERE WITH AN AK-47 FULL OF CHRISTMAS CHEER I AM GOING TO SHOOT RIGHT IN YOUR FACE BOY!!
Me: But sir I only wanted you to have a Merry Christmas..
(customer yells at me and threatens me for 30 minutes.)
I can't remember but the call ended with " and you have a Merry Christmas sir"
and I turned the call in for abuse and the guy is on a do not rent list now, and also is about to get a visit from the elves over at FBI. We come to find out later on in the day that the guy had actually stolen those TV's and needed to switch trucks from one moving truck company to another to evade the law. The Grinch will soon be spending his time wearing a black and white striped candy cane uniform in the state pen. Lesson kids is don't be a dumbass.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Here is an example:
Me: Thank you for calling __________ customer service may I have your reference number so I can help you today?
Inefficient Fool: Yes I didn't get my deposit.I dropped off my truck yesterday and paid with a credit card.
(note the customer did not give me any info like I asked..strike one)
Me: Well generally speaking since I don't have your information deposits take seven to 10 business days to post.
Inefficient Fool: Well they told me at the dealer 3 days...
Me: I apologize if you were misinformed but it takes seven to ten business days.
Inefficient Fool: I want a manager you are rude!!!
(And before I can transfer the customer hangs up, and no I didn't do it this time.)
Yes I am Pollux Strike, Rude Bastard and Call Center Hero.....I'm waiting.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I get calls about people who do this so often I thought I should make a helpful guide for the ignorant masses. Moving trucks usually take one of 2 different kinds of fuel Gas or Diesel
Now I get calls all the time where some ramrod puts Diesel in a gas truck and vice versa thus screwing the truck up and causing them to have to pay to fix it. Guess what I am gonna help you figure that out.
There is only one thing to remember: THERE IS A FREAKING STICKER ABOVE THE FUEL NOZZLE THAT SAYS WHAT KIND OF FUEL THE TRUCK TAKES!!!
- WARNING -
- FILL WITH -
- GAS ONLY -
- WARNING -
- FILL WITH -
- DIESEL ONLY!!! -
Now note that these are bare mock ups may not be what you might see, actually they are colored with bright yellow and red writing to make sure that you see them even though they are right above the gas cap, the bright colors are to ensure you don't miss the warning but seeing as people miss this all the time that must mean our customers are blind, we should probably make the stickers in braille.
That is about it, as long as you can read you can save yourself from putting the wrong type of fuel in a moving truck.
The answer is yes, yes they are that pathetic.
Me: Thank you for calling _____ Customer Service. How may I help you?
Idiot: Yeah my truck there was a problem with it, the brakes smoked and shook violently my family and I could have been killed.
Me: Did you call roadside assistance?
Idiot: No I had to move I did not have time to wait for them to repair.
Me: Wait, wait wait, So you are telling me that the brakes were smoking and you were affraid for you and your family's life but you still drove the truck and declined roadside assistance?
(I ask him the same question 3 other times to make sure that the stupidity I am hearing from him is indeed real.)
Me: Well sir since you declined roadside assistance there is nothing I can do for you.
Idiot: WHAT WE COULD HAVE DIED?!?!
Me: Well you could have made the safe choice for your family and sucked it up and waited for roadside instead of driving with a hazardous truck and endangering your family, but what to I know I am just some guy on a phone in Michigan.
Idiot: I want to talk to your manager!!!
Me: He can't man he is too busy talking to people with common sense, he won't be able to understand you.
Idiot: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?
Me: See you didn't even understand what I said just now...
Idiot: I WANT A MANAGER RIGHT NOW!!!
Me: And I want to work 8 hour days surfing the internet with no phone calls but we don't always get what we want.
*I hang up the phone*
I takes a special kind of idiot to risk his family just because he is on a timetable. I guess this thanksgiving his family will be thankfull that their ignorant husband/father didn't get them killed.
Lesson is, our customers never take hollidays they are complete tards all year around.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Couple weeks ago one of my co-workers who also happens to been a long time friend of mine long before we were both employed at the same place had our wonderful HR managers show up on his desk and left him a lovely note to remove an article from his desk because it was deemed to be religious and some person who has a void in their life decided they could only fill it by reporting it to HR. The article just had a woman drawn on it wearing apparel that people would have wore back in that time. I had no idea that a woman wearing a robe was some type of religion if that was the case once I get married I will have my wife wear a robe constantly so I can brag about how I can stay at home and be at church at the same time.
Anyway back on topic, their removal of said article offended his sensibilites and he disputed their decision, their response was that anything of a religious nature could not be displayed on company property, remember picture of a woman in robe from old times, not like it was a picture of Jesus on a cross saying "WORSHIP ME OR BURN IN HELL!!". My compadre also pointed out other people who had articles of religeon on their desk and their response was "Well that's different." So me and my other co-worker Bill, who is also a long standing friend of mine, decide to lend the support of the Jewish community to his aid by displaying Stars of David on our desk in the open. So far they have not forced me to remove them. But I have some fun planed in store when and if they do.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Me: "Hi how's it goin? I want a footlong club."
Idiot: "Ok a foot long club."
*Idiot begins to cut the bread in half and places a six inch peice to prepare as a sandwich*
Me:"Um..I beleive I had mentioned a footlong."
Idiot: "Oh yeah my bad."
*Idiot then begins to make footlong sandwich.*
Now lets pause for a moment, so far she has made one mistake...I can forgive that hell we all make a mistake now and then..I said A MISTAKE not mistakes. Ok lets continue.
Idiot: "So what dressing would you like sir."
Me: " Well I would like some salt,pepper, and oil."
Idiot: "Ok salt, pepperm and oil."
*Idiot begins to make sandwich and puts red vinegar on sandwich*
Lets pause again shal we? Now I am going to admit that my current occupation is customer service, I am not one of the rigorously trained sandwich savants that are emoplyed by the Subway company. But I can tell difference between oil and vinegar. Let me prove it.
-Usually a clear very light tan color
- Has a much more viscous sound when shook
- has a little label on the top that reads "Oil"
- has no smell
-Totaly clear save apple vinegar and the red variety that subway uses on their sandwiches.
-Far less viscous when shook
-has a label on top that says Vinegar
- Smells like socksweat filtered by a buttcrack.
See how easy it is to tell the difference?
So she puts vinegar on my sandwich and acts like nothing is the matter. and I give her one of my favorite "burn in hell" looks.
You are pobably saying to yourself "Wait Pollux, its just vinegar on your sandwich man what is the big deal?" And to all of you morons that asked that question let me ask you a question. Have you ever had a sandwich that tasted like a pickle on bread? If the answer is no then I rest my case, if you answered yes then your just a sick freak. Ok resume.
I am staring like an angry badger who has had his pancakes stolen, the sandwich girl looks at me and says...
Idiot:" Sir you look like someting is wrong, is everything all right?"
Me: "Yeah I smell vinegar, did you put that on one of these sandwiches, hopefully not mine because I am alergic to it and I could DIE if I ingested it."
Note also I was at lunch with a friend, because this factors into what happens next.
*Idiot places both my sandwich and my friend's sandwich at the register, before she even opens her mouth or hits a key I say*
Me: "We are seperat I am paying for my own."
Idiot: "Are you paying for his too?"
So as not to be a jerk and hold up the line of 4 people behind me and my friend I begrudginly take the sandwich and sit down and wait for my friend. He hands her his card and I hear the following conversation.
Idiot: "I am sorry sir it is declining your card due to lack of funds."
My Friend: "I just checked it this morning there was "X" dollars in there."
Idiot: "I am sorry"
So me an my bud jet over to an atm and sure enough he had the cash in the acct just turns out she was an idiot. So the moral of this story is that stupid people are not just on the phones but everywhere else as well.
Friday, September 28, 2007
I have observed over the many years of phone jockeydom (tm pending) a complete and utter truth. There are 2 kinds of people who call in and they have 2 distinct flavors of how they affect your day.
Customers-The customer is an individual that uses your company's service(s). These intrepid individuals rely on my help to fix problems they have encountered during the use of my employer's service(s). Here are their notable traits..
-Calling in with all the neccisary information to a situation
-Listening to directions
-Straightforward approach to presenting their problems to me in a comprehendible fashion.
Cusstermurz-An individual who uses our company's service(s) and does not follow instructions or completely dissreguards them thus causing problems for themselves and others.Their all consuming goal is to call in and try to
A) Ruin your day.
B) Con your employer out of money
C) Pick fights over the phone with people they have never met. OR
D) All of the above
Cusstermurz have the following traits:
-LACK of common courtesey
-Pretending or being deaf
-Doing exactly what you told them NOT to do
- Cussing when you tell them no
-Lying to get out of a lie
-Name calling like it is their secret weapon
-Blaming the "company" for their own ingorance.
It honestly saddens me that the Cusstermurz call in and waste my time because that takes away from the time I can be using to help Customers.Most of the time of my day I deal with Cusstermurz instead of Customers and it sucks....bad.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
1 -"Um wait I need to get something to write with."-
Ok, lets pretend you are calling someone on the phone to get important information, I dunnow lets say a PHONE NUMBER perhaps you have pen and writing utencil handy to take down said important info right. HELL NO YOU DON'T!
EVERY and I literaly mean EVERY time someone asks me for info they let me get 3/4 of the way of getting through it THEN they say "Um wait I need to get something to write with." What is sad is before I get started most of them say this line "Ok I need to write this down" then I spout off the info and THEN they say "Wait I need to get something to write with."
WHY!?!?!?!?! If you tell me you need to write something down, WHY do you have to get something to write with AFTER I give you the info. A pen, A pencil, a CRAYON for Christ sakes.. GET ONE!!!!
2."Is this how your company handles my problems?"
Yes sir/ma'm it is, and be thankfull we follow the company guidelines and not my own.
I don't know why it is when I tell someone something they don't wana hear that they have to go on some 15 minute diatrabe about how they think the company policies suck just to keep me on the phone and screw up my stats like its some sort of last act of vindication. I don't care what you think about the company I work for, I am going to follow its procedures too bad go cry in the corner while jaming twinkies down your pie-hole for all I care. If we all followed my procedures it would be company policy to have a crew fly up to your front door and shoot off fireworks while unfurling a banner that says "You Suck!" while blaring the song "2 Legit 2 Quit" by MC Hammer while we all breakdance on your front lawn.
3. "The Better Buisines Beureu is going to hear about this"
Monday, March 19, 2007
Typically Monday has been a shit day in history all around. Lots of bad things happened on a Monday. If you work in a call center this is even worse, for some odd reason on Mondays people decide to eschew the things the should be doing like work, chores, and whatever the hell else people do on a Monday, just to call in for an old' fashioned phone-fucking. There must have been some man of great ignorance somewhere who decided that every Monday should be designated as the "Call in and fuck with customer service" day.
And they call in with their idiot legions complaing about pointless things that are usually their fault to begin with.
Me: Thank you for calling ____________.
Moron: I was charged wrong on this invoice. (I swear to god this guy grunts after saying this like he took a really hard dump.)
Me: Ok sir. What seems to be the problem?
Moron: Well they charged me 59.00 on this invoice.
Me: Well sir I see here that was the exact cost of your delivery.
Moron. It's not right.
Me: *I explain each freaking individual charge thus proving this bill is right.*
Moron: It's not right!!
Me: Sir could you explain why it is wrong?
Moron: THAT IS FOR YOU TO FIGURE OUT!!!
Me: You are totally right sir there was a mistake I am sorry.
Me: Yes I am terribly sorry we serviced you to begin with.
Me: Yeah man, the clerk at the counter was supposed to take your money and punch you in the mouth. Don't worry he will be fired we can't tolerate dickweeds who can't be a man and fuck a customer in the ass like they should.
Moron: Oh I get it now you think you are real funny don't you? You won't be laughing once I talk to your supervisor, by the time I am done the only employment you are going to have is fast food. GET ME A MANAGER!!
Me: Sir, I would be more than happy to accommodate your request but before I do I leave you with this. Should your aim truly be to condemn me to fast food work for the remainder of my existence, that leaves the possibility that one day I might end up making YOUR food. I will have 2 words that will haunt you each time you eat..dick burger.
*customer hangs up*
Guess he didn't want me fired after all. Damn I am good.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
You know sometimes I honestly wonder how people that call in get so damn retarded. I used to believe that maybe just maybe I was overreacting. I now know this is not the case.
Me: Thanks for calling _______(No I don't feel like outing myself today, nice try though.) How may I help you?
Idiot: Yeah someone in one of your vehicles almost hit me! He is driving like a maniac!
Me:OMG Are you alright?
Idiot: Yes I am fine but you have to get this delivery driver off the road!
Me: I understand this guy drives for us for deliveries but sir have you called the local police to get him off the road yet?
Idiot: No, YOU need to get him off the road.
Me: Sir there is no way I can get that man off the road, I am all the way in Michigan. It is imperative that you call the police so that he doesn't cause an accident and harm someone.
Idiot: NO!! YOU DO SOMETHING NOW WHAT ARE THE POLICE GOING TO DO?!?!
Me: Oh I don't know maybe use sirens and pull him off the road. But maybe you are right we wouldn't want one of our delivery drivers getting a DUI. Perhaps the police can just ram him off the road, NO NO! we are wasting precious time, SIR IT IS UP TO YOU! YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM OUT NOW!!
Idiot: Listen you fuckbag! I am not in the mood for sarcasm I want to talk you your manager.
Me: Oh ok sure let me get you one.*Hangs up on customer*
I mean seriously get real here. You see a vehicle and it is driving dangerously, do you
A) Call the police to get the hazardous driver off the road.
B) Waste precious time calling the driver's company and arguing with the guy on the phone trying to get him to stop the driver.
C) Pull over to the side of the road and begin eating Fritos and masturbating while doing B)
I honestly think that most people choose C or B. Fuckin bitches.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Hi my name is Pollux Strike, I work for a call center. I created this blog as a way to express my feelings about you the customer. First there is an unsung group of heroes that fight a never ending war against stupidity. They work in call centers around the country for several corporations. They answer phones only to be yelled at by you ignorant scumbags day in and day out just for a paycheck to survive. Most of them can't stand doing it but they do it because they have to. We suffer through the most ignorant dickweeds this country has to offer. I hope this BLOG will shed some light as to what we have to put up with on a daily basis and maybe you will decide to be more courteous when you call somewhere, probably not but here's to hoping.
RULE ONE:THE FEDERAL PRIVACY ACT
This seemingly little known act stipulates that when you call ANY business regarding things such as an account or a contract that we can NOT talk to you about it if your name is not on the contract or we have been given authorization to talk to you by said individual. I can not count how many calls I get a day from some overly self-important douche bag that thinks they are special enough for me to risk federal prosecution just because you are calling in for your husband/wife/dog/neighbor/uncle/sister-dad. FUCK OFF, you pretentious shithead, and for the love of god DON'T ask for a manager on this. And here is why I am going let you in on a little secret to save you and me some time, THE MANAGER WILL TELL YOU THE EXACT SAME THING YOU BRAINDEAD ASSCLOWN!!! Oh and while we are at it let's talk about threatening me over this crap and what happens.
When I tell you I can't talk to you don't threaten me because it accomplishes the following things.
- Pisses me off
- Shows you listen about as well as a deaf guy at a Slayer concert
- Demonstrates that your pecker size is so small that you have to compensate by faking being hardcore with physical or legal threats to a complete stranger on the phone.
Physical threats just don't do it please. The reason why is that on every call center's phone system they have this little button that we can hit and it begins to record the call and logs where you are calling from so that way we can submit it to authorities as evidence in legal cases against you should you be dumb enough to try to walk into court with us. Here I will give you an example of a possible phone-fucking you can get by being a retarded asshole. I once worked for a collections dept of a company back around right after 9/11 and one lady was calling in complaining about a bill, turns out she was wrong and owed the money, but NOOO she had to get all badass on us thinking we were going to change our minds. Whoo threaten me over the phone please ma'mm RECORD BUTTON ACTIVATE! So the call is recording, now remember this was JUST after 9/11, the customer ended the call with this exact phrase "And you better watch out next time you open one of my payments in the mail, you just might find some white powder inside!" I submitted the call to my manager and he then submitted it to the FBI and she got a visit by some gentlemen with suits, badges, and some very provocative questions the next day. With that being said please just don't threaten us for following the privacy act or at all for that matter.
RULE TWO: PAY ATTENTION
Ok, you are calling in to a call center meaning that you are going to be on the phone, that also meaning you will need to pay attention to conversate with the person helping you right? Wrong you people call in and don't pay attention to shit, guess you are all too busy whacking off and eating Fritos at the same time to pay attention to the person on the phone helping you with a bill during the middle of your masturbation ritual. Pay attention and I won't have to do the following things.
>Ask for your reference number 17 times.
>Having you yell at me because you weren't paying attention and thought I said something you didn't want to hear.(99% of the time it's the word "No")
>Spend 15 minutes explaining a complex bill only to have you say at the end "I don't understand."
>Hanging up on you (My personal favorite)
>Hitting the mute button and swearing at you.
>Silently praying you have an aneurism
When you call in and don't listen and we have to repeat something 40 times it fucks us up bad here is why. Most companies you call have a strict requirement on their employees on how long we are ALLOWED to talk to you. You call in and don't pay attention and then drag out the call and end up bringing me one step closer to getting fired. So for my job security PLEASE LISTEN.
RULE THREE: NAMECALLING AND INSULTS
Here is a surefire way to get yourself treated like an ignorant child on the phone by any Customer Service rep you talk to, name-calling. Why is it when I inform a customer of the word no in conjunction to their situation they assume calling me derogatory terms or insulting my education is going to make me change iron-clad company policy? You ignorant punk-ass motherfucking assjackers how can you honestly call yourselves intelligent? See what I did there? I just imitated what a lot of you sound like to us when you do that, doesn't sound very intelligent does it? Oh and before one of you gets an idea to go "LOL hey you were calling names in your BLOG", remember I am using them as a vehicle to make my BLOG more comicaly edgy,not using name-calling as some sort of trump card in a arbitration. A wise man once told me this
" He who resorts to name calling has ran out of valid points to make "(Btw ty for that Jeal)
Just because you didn't get your way like a spoiled child don't throw a tantrum and start calling names expecting it to work.
RULE FOUR: CALL IN PREPARED
I don't know about the rest of you but when I call somewhere needing info, or making a purchase, or paying an account I ALWAYS have the following ready.
>Account info if necessary
When you call a call center, it doesn't matter which, we do not have some magical little gnome at our desk that shoots all your customer info out its ass for us when you call. If you want US to help YOU with YOUR problem then bring YOUR info. I don't know how many people call in for shit and I ask for an account/reference number and they say "I don't have it" Next person that does that I am hanging up on I don't care if the call is monitored or not.
Let's see anything else I might have left out?
>Don't lie to us on the phone, we research EVERYTHING. You will just get caught then get no help at all.
>Oh and when we do catch you in a lie just own up to it don't try to lie to get out of it again.
>Read EVERY contract you sign, if you do that then you can avoid calling me and getting made fun of in my BLOG.
Let it be known I am NOT a misanthrope, I do NOT hate EVERY customer. I just realize that it's the stupid fucktards that call in and tie up the phone line for legitimate people who have needs to be handled that were no fault of their own. It is those people that are one of the reasons I don't walk out on my job…
……and as for the rest of you ignorant sods, I hope you take these hints to heart and quit holding up progress so I can talk to folks who actually need help.