Thursday, May 1, 2008

Guess who's back?

I have returned to spin even more tales of consumer idiocy for your comedic enjoyment and as a catharsis for myself.

So lets get back under my manifesto de gripe.

Here are a couple of surefire ways to get yourself branded as an idiot when you call me.

-When I ask for a reference#, you respond by giving me wrong or completely unrelated information. And now for some examples(and note these are actual responses not exaggerations)

Me: May I have your customer reference number?

Idiot: Yeah I got a vehicle yesterday....

See that there? Did anywhere in my question did I ask when they got a vehicle? Hell no, lets continue.

Me: Actually I need your customer reference number, it is an integral part of me assisting you.

Idiot: So yeah I got a vehicle yesterday...

Me: I need your CUST...OMER... REF...RENCE.... NUM...BER.....

Idiot: Yeah I got a vehicle yesterday and they charged me less than what I was quoted.

Its at this point I wish there was a button I could press to electrocute someone via phone. Oh and yes they really did complain that they were charged LESS than what we quoted them.

Here are some popular responses I get to this question "May I have your customer reference number?"

-Yeah my phone# is..
-Is this the location...
-I wana talk to your manager...
-I don't feel you are wanting to help me....
-My social security number is....(note this one I promptly stop them from saying for my own protection)
- Yeah my rental agreement number is...(Not only does this really tick me off but it also shows that you are more than likely illiterate.)

So when you call folks please give us what we ask for, we ask for it because its what we need to help you. Don't make it harder for yourself than it already is.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


I bet a lot of you wonder what it is we do in between calls don't you? Well to be honest we spend most of our time as phone reps making fun of you blithering idiots. We like to have contest to see who has the dumbest fool on the phone at the time. We tell stories of our customers ignorance and laugh at how downright preposterous they can be.

We also surf the web, so just remember folks don't be an idiot or else you might end up here on my BLOG.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Yeah I don't update me.

Yeah it has been a while hasn't it folks. Been rather busy but I assure you there is no shortage in the ammount of idiocy that is crammed in my ear hole by my lovely customurz. Here is a little story on how NOT to sound intelligent.

Often as a negotiation tactic, analogies are used,( for those of you that don't know what that is click here and it is not just reserved to me using them. I had an individual call in and try a feeble attempt at a verbal jab, normally I just ignore it but the sheer ignorance was lighting up the neurons in by brain like fire so I felt the need to counter his ignorance with a logic missile.

Now if you have been reading my BLOG you should know by now my profession is customer service for a truck rental company.(And no I am still not going to out myself and say which.)

I get a guy who calls in and we had his truck but none of the furniture pads, unfortunately for the customer the only thing we could do was not charge for them since we didn't have any. This customer of course didn't have the capability to hear the words "and that is all we can do" when people say them. So he gets mad and tries to make this exact statement.

Idiot: "I just don't think you get it, you not having the furniture pads is like me reserving a flight with Delta and them not having a plane."

Now lets stop for a minute, lets do basis of an analogy, generally when you perform an analogy the items or situations involved should be similar like for example plane is to truck whereas furniture pads are to... lets say in flight meal. We had the truck for the customer, he could have still moved without the pads therefore his analogy was crap. Hey lets check out my response.

High Phone Lord Pollux: " Actually sir I believe you meant this situation would be like you reserving a flight with Delta and then when you asked for the in flight meal they told you they were out."

Idiot: "What"

I hung up on him.. I swear there should be an IQ test before people are allowed to call us.

Word to the wise boys and girls if you are going to try to go head to head with me verbally please don't be an idiot when you do it, its more of a nuisance to me when I get a verbal opponent that doesn't provide an adequate challenge.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Idiot Customer Test.

Lets face it, idiots, there are a lot of them out there, when you call in to me do you want to sound like one? No of course you don't that is why I have made a test for you to take to determine if you are one and save you the time of having to get taught an abrasive verbal lesson from me.

The following is a simple multiple choice test , chose an idiot answer and you get idiot point(s) based on the severity of your ignorance, the score at the end will be based on how many idiot points you DON'T have in other words score low. If you didn't understand these rules I just mentioned you just earned 1 point.

1. You arrive at the drop off dealer for your rental, the dealer is closed. What do you do.
A) Park the truck on his lot and lock the key inside the truck
B) Call Customer Service and ask what to do.
C) Take it to a different company's dealer since they are all the same.
D) Park the truck on the dealer's lot, lock it, find a key drop box and place the key inside.

2. You are picking up your truck, the dealer hands you a contract and urges that you read it before signing. What do you do?
A) Read the contract completely thus gaining the knowledge of what you can or can not do.
B) Not read the contract and take the truck.
C) Eat the contract.
D) You are a lawyer you never have to read contracts.

3. You are in your personal vehicle driving to work, a moving truck swerves in front of you driving hazardously. What do you do?
A) Get on the phone and call the company that owns the truck, because they can send Superman out to stop this villain.
B) Call local law enforcement.
C) Use Vigilante Justice and ram him off the road thus saving other traveler's lives.
D) Get on the phone and call the company that owns the truck, full well knowing they can not get the driver off the road.

4. You are on the phone with a customer service rep, you have gone over on miles on your rental.The representative has explained and proven with evidence that you have. What do you do?
A) Lie and say took a 20 mile trip when you know you drove the truck to Las Vegas.
B) Accept the fact that you went over on miles and move on with conversation
C) Say you are a Preacher and that you didn't use those miles.
D) Say you are just going to call and get someone else.

5. You have brought back your truck late. The customer service rep has advised you there are late fees and has also proven this. What do you do?
A) Accept the fact and move on.
B) Lie and say you brought it back on the day before you even picked it up.
C) Admit it then ask us to cut the late fee in half.
D) Call us racist and demand a manager.

Answers and points.
1 A) 5
B) 1
C) 70
D) 0

2 A) 0
B) 5
C) 90
D) 15

3. A) 25
B) 0
C) -10
D) 60
* The reason that answer "D" has more of an idiot rating than "A"
on question 3 is simple. If you are dumb enough not to know better that we don't employ Superman that makes you less dumb than the person calling who knows we can't do anything but calls us anyway, also answer "C" actually takes away idiot points because taking the law into your own hands like a vigilante is always cool.*

4. A) 25
B) 0
C) 60
D) 45
*On question 4 the answer "C" is more idiotic because it is really freaking stupid to lie in the first place let alone drag God in on the lie.*

5. A) 0
B) 100
C) 40
D) 80

0-10 Congratulations, you have common sense and are able to wield it proudly. Good Job, Ever thought of working in customer service?

11-60 : I have to break it to you but you are an idiot, face the facts and move on at least God is more likely to have pity on you.

60+ : There are special places in hell for lame dipsh**ts like you, you probably can't do the following

Tie your shoes
Count to 7
Tell hot from cold
Spell your own name
Write your own name
Remember your own name
Read this sentence, for that matter how did you take this test?

"Yes sir I am handing out free coupons for a punch to the face."

Black Friday: Pollux Vs the Grinch.

Black Friday is a day every retail outlet dreads, thousand of consumers flock to stores in waves to strip stores clean of merchandise much like zombies striping flesh from a fallen victim. I personally love this day because in the moving truck industry we are slow as hell. This is mostly due to the fact that all the idiots are out in stores fist fighting each other for a cheap piece of crap 40$ television that will break down next week.

I have a feeling though that there is some special moron somewhere that will call in today that will go against the grain and call us anyway.

Damn I hate being right.

Me: Thank you for calling ______ Customer Service. How may I help you?

(Note for the remainder of this call the random A-Hole will be affectionately referred to as "Grinch")


Me: I am sorry your truck is not on time sir let me get our inventory manager to help us.


Me: Wow 47 T.V. sir, you must be a generous soul, I am sure your family members are gonna be real happy this year.


(Ok now note this guy has been yelling since he has called,and he is complaining about his truck being late so he can get 47 T.V that he isn't giving to anyone else, WTF?!?)

Me: *Laughing* Wow man what the hell you gonna stack them all together to get a bigger picture, couldn't have you just bought a big screen?

Grinch: WHAT?!?!?

Me: Yeah you heard me Cinnemark, I just knocked on you about your ghetto theater.

Grinch: YOU ARE A DEADMAN??!?!

Me: What you gonna do Mr. Grinch come on down here to Whoville and steal our Christmas? (at this point I hit the record button we use to have evidence on threatening customers)


Me: But sir I only wanted you to have a Merry Christmas..

(customer yells at me and threatens me for 30 minutes.)

I can't remember but the call ended with " and you have a Merry Christmas sir"

and I turned the call in for abuse and the guy is on a do not rent list now, and also is about to get a visit from the elves over at FBI. We come to find out later on in the day that the guy had actually stolen those TV's and needed to switch trucks from one moving truck company to another to evade the law. The Grinch will soon be spending his time wearing a black and white striped candy cane uniform in the state pen. Lesson kids is don't be a dumbass.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I'm not rude, I am just a more talented speaker than you.

My councilor often tells me that one of the common "rifts" between me and the people I talk to is the style of communication I have.(Yes I have a councilor.) The direct style of communication means I don't wast time I get to the point, get the facts and get done with a clam,clinical manner this style is only shared with 5% of the people in the world. The other 95% get pissy when I won't conform to their assbackward, inefficient style of conversing.

Here is an example:

Me: Thank you for calling __________ customer service may I have your reference number so I can help you today?

Inefficient Fool: Yes I didn't get my deposit.I dropped off my truck yesterday and paid with a credit card.

(note the customer did not give me any info like I asked..strike one)

Me: Well generally speaking since I don't have your information deposits take seven to 10 business days to post.

Inefficient Fool: Well they told me at the dealer 3 days...

Me: I apologize if you were misinformed but it takes seven to ten business days.

Inefficient Fool: I want a manager you are rude!!!

(And before I can transfer the customer hangs up, and no I didn't do it this time.)

Yes I am Pollux Strike, Rude Bastard and Call Center Hero.....I'm waiting.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

How to put gas in a truck by Pollux Wayneright Strike, Esquire

I get calls about people who do this so often I thought I should make a helpful guide for the ignorant masses. Moving trucks usually take one of 2 different kinds of fuel Gas or Diesel

Now I get calls all the time where some ramrod puts Diesel in a gas truck and vice versa thus screwing the truck up and causing them to have to pay to fix it. Guess what I am gonna help you figure that out.




Now note that these are bare mock ups may not be what you might see, actually they are colored with bright yellow and red writing to make sure that you see them even though they are right above the gas cap, the bright colors are to ensure you don't miss the warning but seeing as people miss this all the time that must mean our customers are blind, we should probably make the stickers in braille.

That is about it, as long as you can read you can save yourself from putting the wrong type of fuel in a moving truck.